Funny thing: I’m posting my review of the Golden Globes 2012 really, really late.

But it’s okay, because the people who might’ve died waiting for me to publish this post watched the Globes themselves and so are alive and safe–and the people who don’t care will probably just skim this with skeptical kind-of-curiosity.

To preface this post, if you’re clueless about the Golden Globes, don’t bug me, go over to their page at Wikipedia.  Awards shows seem ineffectual as well as self-congratulatory, but this is global big business.  The top grossing movie is Avatar with a worldwide gross of approximately $2.8 BILLION.  72.7% of that gross comes from international sales.  (From Box Office Mojo.)  Prestige and recognition are important; they translate into exposure, popularity and profit for the studios.

Of course, that’s the business end of things.  Normal people who go see movies or flip on TV shows could give a shit if the thing is “award-winning” or “nominated for”–just like I don’t really think normal people think, “I wasn’t going to get this, but it earned a Grammy; I must have it!”  No.  The only people thinking that are snobby, pretentious jerks whose opinions I shall generally discount as colored by a grand desire to be seen as cool and/or sophisticated.  People like to watch awards shows to see their favorite stars as well as to see who wins and looses.  We like to bet, make fun of other people’s opinions, judge strangers, and feel like we’re insiders too into a different (probably more exciting) life.

But there’s a problem: awards shows have a reputation for running long, having really boring or completely distasteful hosts / jokes (barring Bob Hope, I’m pretty sure), and everyone’s acceptance speeches are invariably almost identical.  You know.

Female Type 1 (the majority): OMG, I can’t believe this!  [Touches hair; yanks dress up at the boobs.]  I have to remember to thank the other fabulous nominees; our wonderful director, producers, and every single crew person; the rest of our amazing cast; my agents and managers; my most incredible husband and kid(s)…  Oh this is so great!

Female Type 2 (the minority): Well, isn’t this lovely?  [Beatific smile.]  This is such an honor.  First I need to thank the organization for this honor.  I am so honored to be in this category with such extraordinary women.  I also must thank all the same people Female Type 1 did, plus my parents.  [Adorable quip about something adorable that makes everyone laugh and aww.]  Thank you again.

Male Type 1: [Flashes badass grin.]  Hey, what’s up?  I’d like to thank all the same people as Female Type 2.  [Points and winks at some buddy in the crowd.  Tells a joke about his kids.]  Thanks.  [Salutes, slightly less badass than the grin.]

Male Type 2: WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP!  [Proceeds to totally loose his shit.]  I love everyone, I thank everyone, I especially thank God and my BEAUTIFUL wife and kids and the whoever took a chance on me–[Music interrupts.]  Comebacks are possible / thank you, Grandma!  [Finally lead away by pretty get-the-f-offstage-escort-girl.]

But I never give up hope that something great will happen at the Golden Globes.  Why?  Because in 1998, Matt Damon told his dad at home that he had a better seat than Jack Nicholson (who laughed, of course!).  I wanted awesome stuff like that to happen ever year!  Of course, it doesn’t, and that brings me to this year’s 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards, held last Sunday and hosted by Ricky Gervais.

We’ll start with fashion.  The men looked great–hard to mess up a suit, in my opinion.  The women generally looked nice…  There were a lot of belts which obscured lady torsos and lots of those damn stupid mermaid tails that annoy the crap out of me–except on Sophia Vergara, because she is one confident, sexy woman, period.  The other women’s get-ups I liked were Evan Rachel Wood, Claire Danes, Julianne Moore, Kate Beckinsale and Nicole Kidman; their gowns had small unique touches and flattered them simply.  Some ladies who made bad choices were Sarah Michelle Gellar, Natalie Portman, Lea Michele, and Angelina Jolie because she looked like a Madame Tussaud’s statue of herself looking bitchy / bored.

Then we went inside, and it was game on.  Ricky Gervais hosted again, after a “controversial” hosting job last year–aka, his barbs were sharp and awkward. Like last year, I didn’t think all of his jokes were funny, but I wasn’t offended.  Who would think he SERIOUSLY thinks Colin Firth is an evil man who punches kittens?  It was pretty clear to me what the subtext of that was: “Damn that fine-ass fellow Brit for being so classy and talented that I can’t come up with a single disparaging thing to say!!”  (Don’t worry, Firth aimed a playful kick at Gervais’s shins.)

Now, about the actual awards.  The contenders in all of the categories are painfully predicted and analyzed, so it’s generally impossible to feel real excitement.  As nominees were listed last Sunday, I thought things like, “I like that guy.  Didn’t see that, but she’s always good.  I loved that performance!  Oh, look, that sucks: two people from the same movie.  Ick, bad reaction face.  Go ahead, clap for yourself, it’s okay.”

Some things I’d like to mention about the winners (full list here):

• The Descendants.  I thoroughly enjoyed its smart, small-scale script and its actors’ simple, deep performances. I think it won on its own merits, versus being tear-jerker awards bait (cough War Horse) or a movie I suspect was nominated to placate people, like The Help.
• Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady.  Meryl Streep is the kid who always gets a 101%, so it’s hard to say more than, “Of course she killed it.”  That’s why I never care.  I know that’s not fair, but come on, the other nominees’ performances were interesting, dynamic, unique, skilled and they aren’t nominated every fucking time they make a movie.
• The Artist.  On Sunday, I hadn’t seen it and assumed it was nostalgic blah-ness.  I was pulling for 50/50.  I since saw The Artist and was in fact enchanted by its deftness, humor, score and the way it demonstrated so aptly how much faces and bodies can express over and above dialogue.
• Homeland.  All of the series who were nominated for this are on cable.  As someone without cable at the moment, this annoys me.  That is all.
• Matt LeBlanc, Episodes.  I’ve seen the first few episodes and it’s always funny to see actors play themselves (see: Entourage).  But… but… Alec Baldwin’s timing and absolute commitment on 30 Rock and David Duchovny’s self-destructive, unstoppable Hank Moody!  Just… sadness…
• Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones.  There’s been a lot said about the adaptation of the gruesome, protagonist-murdering book, but I was thrilled to see Dinklage win for his scathing, hilarious and heartbreaking performance!

I want to give an enormous, hearty shout-out to George Clooney for completely cracking me up during his acceptance speech.  Watch it at YouTube!  Tiny warning, you might not want to watch it at work, depending on your office’s stance on penis jokes.

Did I need to watch the Golden Globes?  Did the nominees, the winners and the losers change my opinions about what I liked and didn’t like, what I still want to see, and who’s worth paying attention to in the future?  Of course not!  Go ahead and mock me, I know it’s mock-worthy.  But fair warning, I mock you too, for watching NFL coaches and/or players try to talk; watching reality shows like Real Housewives or The Bachelor and then having actual discussions about the merits of these women; announcing to the world where exactly you are at any given moment of time, especially if it’s an airport; and devoting more than 10 seconds a week to worrying about calories and trans fat.